Misery Loves Company

So you tell just how horrible you're doing, and you get a new follower!  I had no clue it worked that way.  Ha!

Thanks to those of you who responded with comments that let me know I'm not alone.  I just feel so stupid and so foolish!  It boggles my mind that I *know* what to do... but just choose not to do it!  How can anyone be so smart and so stupid at the same time?

I spent some time at atkins.com last night looking at phase 1, induction.  I always just thought Atkins was no this and that for the rest of your life.  I had no clue it had 4 phases and that you really do get to add in breads and stuff as you go along.  I'm not saying I'm doing the Atkins diet.  But I am researching it some more.  I also signed up for the free kit they offered.  I definitely have a major problem with sugar (chocolate, sweets, pizza, breads, etc), and Atkins apparently makes you stop craving the sugars if you follow it correctly.

But then I go back to knowing that all I really need to do is focus on eating real foods (stuff God created) and ditching processed junk.  Someone even mentioned this in the comments yesterday.  Only problem is, God made food that had to be prepared instead of microwaved.  LOL  It's really NOT an excuse, but it seems like our life is a crazy kind of busy at this point.  It's not a bunch of extra, unneeded stuff, either.  It's just our normal lives with a little bit of hectic added it.

I also know it will be a mental battle with my kids and hubby to try to change our eating.  My husband is always supportive, and my kids are young enough to still boss around (ha).  It's just that none of them have weight problems and I feel like some crazy, overbearing, fat mom to stop fixing potatoes or pasta or other foods we are used to eating.  And sure, I could still fix it for them and not me.  But I know me well enough to know that I would be too tempted and cave if it's around.

It's really sad that when I think of giving up certain kinds of foods, my mind immediately throws a tantrum and clings onto things such as pizza and garlic bread!  I really think I have a bigger problem with breads than I do sweets.  Crazy!

Anyway... not sure how I missed the fact that some of you have blogs.  I'll be trying to check them out!  I guess I just purposefully don't allow myself to read too many blogs.  I get very hooked on people's personal lives in form of blogs.  LOL  Then I sit here for way too long in the evenings reading all the blogs I follow.  It messes me up!  But if you follow my blog and have a blog, leave me the url in the comments if you don't mind it being public.  I'd love to at least lurk or stop in occasionally!

Okay, 12:03 am.  See what I mean?   :)  Night!

Alive but Not Well

Y'all, I have just totally went off the deep end... in a bad way.  It's like I'm eating anything and everything in sight.  I feel S-I-C-K.  And that's what bothers me most.  I feel disgusting, huge, bloated, miserable, tired, not well....yet I continue to pig out.  None of this is going to change until *I* make it change.  I realize that.  I felt so stupid on Father's Day.  I felt miserable.  I was wearing one of the dresses that I have frequently been asked "are you pregnant" in.  I felt big and yucky.  My husband decides to make that day the day that he grabs me by my face and tells me how absolutely beautiful he thinks I am.   ?????  So then he was very confused as to why that statement would make me look so sad.  My husband is a jewel.  I am very happy that he still thinks I'm beautiful even though I'm heavy now.  But I want to *feel* beautiful, too.  It would mean so much more to me if when he told me that I didn't have to wonder why he's flat out lying to me.  LOL

Also, part of the reason I didn't blog last week was our trip to KY for anyone who remembered.  It was a church meeting.  They served meals.  While sitting at the meal table with some other ladies that I didn't know, they started discussing weight loss.  All these women were very decent figured.  So they were discussing other ladies who had lost 25 to 40 pounds and how proud they were of them.  I sat there feeling really dumb.  Then they all started discussing a lady who has lost 80 pounds so far and pulled up a cell phone pic of her.  They showed me as well.  I said "wow" and then excused myself.  I just felt so disappointed with myself!

At the continental breakfast one morning at the hotel, a lady walked over to sit with her friends and they all said they could tell that she had lost weight.... 40 pounds.  GO EAT A MUFFIN FOR GOODNESS SAKES!  Ha!

It was a year ago last week that I lost my mojo.  A YEAR.  That's a long time.  Last year in June, I weighed 192.5 and was being told how great I looked.  Sure, I was still 192.... but I wasn't 216 anymore!  I was getting all kinds of compliments.  Then after a week at my parents' house, eating out constantly (and being complimented constantly), I just lost my will.  I lost my fight.  I can't seem to find it anymore.

I have a good friend back home who said she has been taking a natural supplement that hypes her up and also decreases her appetite.  She lost 10 lbs in 6 weeks.  That sounds so enticing.  I have been eyeballing weight loss pills like never before.  But I always walk away because I know it's not the answer to my problems.  Sure, it may work.  But will I get heart problems from it, metabolism problems, some strange addiction, etc????  Will I gain everything back as soon as I find out I can't take it anymore?

I started researching the Atkins diet online.  I realize there are some things I am eating/drinking that probably cause an addiction tendency.  But I don't fully understand the Atkins diet.  And I'm not 100% sure how I feel about drinking the shakes and eating the bars when I look at the ingredients list and see a bunch of stuff I can't pronounce.

That is the most frustrating part about this entire thing.  I know what to do to lose weight.  I have done it in the past.  I know I need lean meats, fresh fruits and veggies, and less processed junk.  I just don't want to deal with it anymore.  But not dealing with it is making me miserable.

I know this post makes absolutely zero sense.  I just wanted to pop in and unload some thoughts and frustrations and let anymore out there know that I am here and okay.  Hope you all are doing really good and having lots of weight loss success!

My What Big Eyes You Have

Twice today I put food in my bowl only to realize I didn't want it all or couldn't hold it all.  Instead of forcing myself to go ahead and finish the food, I either gave it to others or ditched it.  I'm happy about that decision. Today had a few better choices than yesterday, but again it wasn't a weight-loss sort of day.  I'm kind of in a  blah funk right now.  I don't know why, really, other than having a lot on my mind.  Hopefully I can get back to feeling normal soon.

Breakfast was simply a Clif bar and 20 oz of water.  I felt like I was eating a block of sugar, honestly.  Normally I like these things, but I think I like them more for a snack or something rather than breakfast.

Lunch was chicken salad sandwiches, but I decided to have mine on a salad this time.  I also cut up a string cheese and added some RF honey mustard. My honey mustard was basically empty, so there was minimal dressing.  I kept banging the bottle on the table trying to get more out of it.  Lol  Everyone was having chips with their sandwich.  I decided I wanted some, too, so I had them instead of crackers.  Oh, also had some grapes.

A friend of mine who shall remain nameless (Rebekah) brought 2 containers of ice cream over here on Sunday.  I act upset, but I was happy for it.  LOL  I haven't had any since Sunday, so that is truly a miracle.  The husband dipped me some out, and I actually asked for MORE.  But then I only ate maybe half of this and decided I actually did NOT want it.  Others gladly took it from me.

So glad I didn't eat all that!

I let the kids play out in the sprinklers and with water guns today.  They had a blast.  And I got some much-needed sun for my pasty self!  :)

While watching the kids play, I drank an Atkins shake.

Supper was some spaghetti squash with sauteed peppers and onions, turkey meatballs, a slice of Colby Jack cheese (out of shredded), sauce, and a slice of cheese toast.

Again, I ended up putting a little more than 1/4 the bowl into a container to save for another day.  I just felt really full.

I did have a bowl of junky cereal around 9:45 tonight.  I am feeling the need for late-night stress-relief snacking lately.  :-/

In a nutshell:  I did much better on water today, getting in 60 oz.  I like to get in 80 oz, but at this point I'll take anything over nothing!  Normally I am a big fruit fan, but nothing sounds good to me right now.  Well, not much healthy anyway.  I'm wanting comfort and looking for it in foods.  Not good.  At least taking pics is helping me somewhat.  Goodnight!!! 

A for Effort, F for Content

Well I *did* take pictures today.  However, as stated, we are using this week to eat up stuff in the fridge and cabinets that need to be used.  As you will see in the pics, my day was a far cry from blogworthy, healthy eating!  But I promised a picture post, so here ya go!

A few people in my life right now are doing a sugar-detox, low-carb, Atkins type of thingy.  While I am *not* at this point, I always enjoy dabbling into what everyone else is doing.  Publix had their Atkins shakes for $5 a 4-pack this week.  I grabbed 2 packs in 2 diff flavors.  I had intentions to eat oatmeal and turkey links this morning like the kids did, but I just wasn't feeling an oatmeal moment.  I dunno why!  So while my turkey links were "frying," I decided to drink an Atkins Cafe Caramel Shake instead of eating oatmeal.  It was pretty good.

A bit later I realized I didn't have a f/v, so I had a banana.

Lunch today was using up canned ravioli in the cabinet.  I sprinkled 2% shredded cheddar on top.  I had a half a crunchy honey pb sandwich on wheat bread on the side.

Let me just be honest and say that was the entire can of ravioli.  I've not done that in probably two years!  Not sure what my problem is lately, but I need to snap out of it!

That kept me full for hours, as it should have.  Around 5:30 pm, I realized I was very hungry!!!  I honestly meant to try drinking an Atkins shake for a snack, but I'm not used to that so it didn't cross my mind at the moment.  Instead, I had a 90 calorie granola bar.

Supper tonight was using up FF buttermilk before it ruined.  In my brain, though, that meant add chocolate to it because that's our favorite way to have our pancakes.  I have a lot to work on.  But anyway, we had company over for supper so I only had 2-1/4 pancakes.  I also had 2 slices of turkey bacon and some scrambled eggs and skim milk

Sorry!  Recycled pic!!!  So there's too many pancakes on the plate and not enough scrambled eggs.  LOL  I forgot to snap a pic tonight.  :-/

It would so happen that around 11:00 pm, I ate this.

Yeah, not the smartest move at night.  It is baked and not fried, but still.

In a nutshell:  Not claiming to have had a good day, but at least I had an accountable day.  Sorry to be so short, but it's nearly midnight and I need to wrap some things up and get in bed!

Skunks, Opossum, and Mice - Oh my

I am sorry for the unannounced hiatus.  Actually, at this point, I need a hiatus to get over my hiatus!  LOL  Wowza.

First off, you may remember my story of our house being sprayed by a skunk a while back (maybe 2 months ago???).  Well, we ended up getting sprayed again a few weeks ago.  One night, my husband found the cause of the issue in clear range.  We called the police station who said all you can do is shoot an offending skunk here in TN.  It wasn't a pleasant thing to have to do, but my husband was able to shoot the skunk.  It died immediately, but even when you kill a skunk it emits its odor.  Lovely.  So while we didn't enjoy the experience for several reasons, our problem was at least now solved and we no longer had to wake up to the smell of skunk.

Fast forward about 4 days later.  At 2:00 am, I thought I smelled skunk.  Nahhhhhh.  Was washing dishes the next morning when I saw two baby skunks running around in the daytime in my back yard!!!  What???  NO!!!!  I'm sorry, but baby skunks are adorable!  So I didn't know what to do.  I called the TWRA, and they gave me the info on what to do for this area.  So far, we know of 6 baby skunks.  I'm told they can have up to 13 in a litter.  So who knows if that's all of them or not.  Time will smell... I mean tell.

So in the midst of the skunk drama, on Saturday my husband was about to vacuum and points and says, "what was that?"  I said, "Ummm, it's a plastic Kroger bag."  Lol  No, he thought he saw a mouse.  Whatever, it was just a .................  A MOUSE!  There it is!  A small mouse ran out from under our love seat, across the living room, and behind my desk.  Ugh.  So now all 4 kiddos have ran into the living room to see what the commotion is.  We look under my desk, behind my desk, behind the curtains.  Nothing.

I go over and jiggle the bookshelf.. THERE IT IS!  One kid ran outside, one kid ran screaming through the house, one kid is standing stock still crying, and one kid is on the very top of the couch shaking violently with fear and crying.  My husband is chasing the mouse all over the living room with a broom, and I'm just running here and yonder squealing and screaming like a big 'ole sissy!!!  ROFL  It was unreal hilarious.  I even grabbed up my phone and did a little sound clip of the event and texted it out.

The poor little mouse finally ran out of the living room and into my kids' bedroom.  You can imagine how much they loved that fact.  :-/  My husband only feels sorry for the mouse and says it's a wonder it didn't die of a heart attack from all the screaming and panicking and if it has any sense at all in its head it ran far, far from this house!  LOL

So then one night we hear the cat food bowl on the front porch rattling.  It's empty.  After being sprayed by the skunk the first time, I researched and learned not to leave food out at night.  Well anyway, we open the door thinking we will be seeing a skunk only to see a wide-eyed opossum starting back at us.  He moved the bowl around with his nose and then slowly moped off the porch when he realized he'd have to find his supper somewhere else.

CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY!

And the disabled man we are now basically taking care of was hospitalized from Thursday night through Saturday afternoon.  I really have bit off more than I can chew, but I really don't know what else to do.  I have the hospital social worker involved now.  I can't get any of the man's family to get in touch with me, despite leaving messages.  They are the ones in charge of his inheritance trust fund.  This man needs home health care nurses or an assisted living facility, but he can't get that without dipping into his trust fund for financial help.  I am beyond angered.  I hope the social worker can get this situation straightened out.  If not, I don't know whether I need to contact a lawyer, the police, or Adult Protective Services.  We have grown to love this guy, but he needs more assistance than what we can really give him.  And it hurts us seeing him neglected by his family.

So I have ran around like crazy.  I have stressed like crazy.  Therefore, I have eaten like crazy.  Seriously.  I feel like a bloated cow.  I've made terrible, terrible choices.  Instead of that girl asking me if I was pregnant motivating me, it made me give up and not care for the past several days.  I have turned to food for comfort, support, and sympathy.  It's been pathetic.  My stomach is def protruding at this point from being stuffed to its max with nasty food options.  Argh.

So that's the honest truth.  Let me just commit right this second to taking food pics tomorrow.  If I don't, I'll never start back because we will be traveling Thursday through Saturday.  I will waste all of Monday through Wednesday because there would be "no point" in trying.  But there is a point in trying!  So Monday night, you will be looking at a food pic post.

I will say that we are using this week to eat up some stuff left in the fridge and cabinets that I'm really not even buying anymore at this point, but it's here.  So while I will be doing food pics and being mindful of portions, I won't be posting a bunch of salads!  ;)

Hope everyone has been doing well, and it'll be nice to get back to regular blogging!

The Unpregnant Preggo

Ughhhhhh.  Okay, first off, just a rough past couple of days.  I did weigh yesterday, and to my shocking surprise I hadn't gained anything.  I think this is because I probably had PMS bloat that left me when TOM came along.  But life has been hectic - yet again - making eating correctly a huge issue.  I truly envy those of you who can juggle insane lives and still make eating right a priority.  I really do.  I'm positive that it can be done.  I just haven't gotten it all figured out yet.

So since I'm doing no good, God decided to show back up and remind me in His favorite way that I'm still fat and being 211.0 doesn't mean food party time.  Lol

Long, LONG day today.  Just to summarize, the disabled man in our church just was NOT right today.  Each time I talked with him on the phone, I became more and more concerned.  The day ended with me taking him to Urgent Care and being sent from there to the ER.  The ER was so concerned that they admitted this man to the hospital and will be performing tests tomorrow.

So I ended up at 9:45 pm in a Subway parking lot eating a sub and chips for supper because I was completely famished and hadn't eaten since lunch.

Then my TOM self decided that I needed chocolate to top off my stressful day.  Something super chocolately.  And creamy.  I know!  Chocolate Xtreme Moose Tracks ice cream.

So I head over to Kroger.  I am on the cell phone with my mom, telling her all about today's events.  There is a mom and her 2 daughters behind me.  They keep looking at frozen foods while I keep looking at frozen ice cream.  Finally, the one girl INTERRUPTS my conversation and says, "Excuse me, ma'am, but how many months are you?"

ARGGGHHHHHHHH.

I gave her my famous line of, "Oh, I'm not pregnant, just fat" and got the same reply of a shocked face, an apology, and then pretty hysterical laughter.

So there goes my theory of being asked twice before my ectopic if I was pregnant because I actually was and was just bloated.  Nope.  I apparently *still* look pregnant.

While in the ER tonight, a doctor and nurse recognized me.  They told me that everyone knows about me.  They said the surgical nurses just kept talking about "that poor girl" and "you wouldn't believe all the blood in her abdomen."  I like to make a big impression.  No pun intended by using the word big.  LOL

So dummy me still purchased the ice cream.  I know this is a pathetic and sad story, but it makes for a good blog post, right?  Man.  I was feeling like 211.0 was skinny or something.  Thanks, Lord, for the gentle reminder.  ;)

I Did Take Pics

But I'm not posting them.  It's 1:43 am.  Ughhhh.  I have about 3 different friends going through different life issues right now - some I can know about and some I can't.  It's troubling.  One of those friends went with us tonight to a church meeting.  Then we stayed up til now just talking with each other.  I took pics of all my food today.  It was an okay day, just horribly short on f/v and lacking in water.  I only remember getting in a salad as a f/v, actually!  I know I only drank 40 oz of water today.  My night ended with a huge calorie-bomb.  But tomorrow is yet ANOTHER new day.  I will do my best to post tomorrow night.  I'm sorry to be so sporadic.  Just at some seasons in life, priorities change a bit.  I am in no way leaving, and hope to be back to normal food pics and blogging very, very soon!  Okay, I'm finally off to bed!