Much Better

I'm so glad I decided to post here last night instead of just ignoring my problems.  It is very embarrassing to my flesh to be so open and honest about all my down times in this journey.  It's amazing how time changes things.  When I lost weight with WW 6+ years ago, I was so determined and focused!  I lost down to 172.5 in no time.  That was a really good weight for me.  I got down to a 12 then.  I look back at pictures, and I wonder WHY I was so foolish to let myself gain all of that plus more back!  Can't change it now, though.  I do know I only had 2 kids back then, not 4.  And I didn't have the added stress of homeschooling on top of keeping up with daily household things.  So stressors are definitely bigger and badder now.  :)   This time around, it's taking me an eternity to do any good at all, and it's entirely because of my derailed focus.  It seems like if I can focus for 2 full weeks it's amazing.  I wish I could figure out what had me so motivated back in the day and just pull from that!

I did make a list of 10 reasons I want to lose weight today.  Not that I think that is going to be a major motivator for me.  I just thought it was a nice idea to write it all out.  It's so easy to get caught up focusing on here and now and lose track of long term goals for losing.

Today was nearly perfect.  It almost wasn't, though!  I had lunch at around 1 pm.  I didn't get supper until 10 pm tonight!!!  Awful!  When it was 9:30 pm and we were all griping about being hungry and passing by the local McDonald's, I almost said FORGET IT once more.  We decided to drive right on by, though, and fix what we had at home waiting for us, even thought it meant waiting longer to eat.  Tonight was just crazy.  We had to drop someone off after church.  We stopped at MILs to see a great-nephew who just started walking.  We took some food to an older lady and her husband and talked with them for about 40 minutes.  We normally get to go right home after church.  There was great temptation to take the easy way out and get fast food, but I'm glad we didn't!

The good news is, I passed up McD's *and* homemade peanut butter cookies tonight even though I was very, very hungry.  Every choice impacts the journey!  Thanks to my blog buddies, Dawn and Lori, for sharing things about cognitive thinking with me.  

Now, on to business.  ;)

Breakfast was one FF Krusteaz cranberry orange muffin (3), two hard boiled eggs (4), and some cantaloupe (0) and water.

Breakfast was 7 points+.

 

 

Lunch was 1-1/4 cups of Mexican Two-Bean Chicken Chili (5) topped with 28 grams of 2% shredded Mexican cheese (2), a dollop of FF sour cream (0), and 28 grams of Doritos (4) used as crackers.  I drank Diet Dr. Pepper (0).

Lunch was 11 points+.

 

You all probably get sick of seeing Doritos.  LOL  I can't help it.  That is one thing I don't WANT to give up at this point.  I don't buy them every week like I used to, though.  I just can't handle them being here all the time!

Before heading out to church that evening, I had some watermelon (0).  I also grabbed this bag of Extend Crisps (2).  The entire bag is 3 points.  I didn't like them at all.  The crisps were fine, but they were white cheddar flavor.  I hate cheese flavored popcorns and stuff.  So I only ate a few and gave the rest to the kids.  I'm not sure I even ate 2 points worth, honestly!

Snack was 2 points+.

 

I really love the Extend Drizzles, but in my area all I can find on shelves is the bars or shakes.  I'm not interested in those, though!  I guess I will have to order some from their site.

So after church we did our visiting around.  While at MILs, I could tell I was about to lose my control.  She was nice enough to give me a banana (0).  And I was nice enough to play a trick and leave the peel on her windshield for her to find when she left for work tonight.  Hehe.

Snack 0 points+.

FINALLY, after 10 pm, I sat down to eat my meal!  I had a Lean Cuisine chicken, spinach, and artichoke panini (8) and mushrooms (0) and onion (0) sauteed in 1 tsp of olive oil (1).  I did have another diet drink, Diet Pepsi (0).

Supper was 9 points+.

Now, I said almost perfect for a reason.  There were two slices of leftover pizza from a few days back in our fridge.  I threw one piece away, but I chose to have the other slice (7).  Now all that is gone.  I am really over the pizza issue!!  I even told my husband that I would like to make a challenge not to have pizza again for the entire month of June!!!  But I'm too scared to make that kind of challenge because I know me and my pizza and I don't want to fail at that challenge, feel like a complete loser, and then binge on pizza for 4 days straights.  LOL

Naughty indulgence 7 points+.

Like my Bob the Builder plate???

Daily Reflections:  I only ate 36 points today, which is only 6 over my daily.  Compared to the last nearly 2 weeks, that is AWESOME for me.  I will report back again tomorrow night.  I am a little nervous to make too bold of a statement about anything right now for fear of eating crow.  One day at a time, right?  Thanks for being here and being supportive!

I Can't Just Disappear

I just hate when I follow a blog that posts faithfully and then they just up and disappear!  I know I've only not posted for technically one day, but I didn't want to post tonight.  I would prefer to hide out for a bit.  But since I hate for that to be done to me, I'm not gonna do that to you!

I am very seriously off the deep end.  I honestly don't know why.  I have one stressful situation going on right now in my life.  It started a little more than a week ago.  I know it has caused me some stress and getting upset just about every day, but I really don't think that's the one and only cause for my jumping face first into the Land of Chocolate and Carbs.

I'm not trying to make any lame excuses.  I don't really have any.  I do this junk all the time.  I come off of a high of motivation only to wallow in destruction for a good one to two weeks before getting back on my feet again.  That's why it's taken me since February 2011 to lose 25 pounds.

Mentally I know what's right to do - what to eat, how to exercise, how to think positive thoughts.  I know all the answers to give during my WW meetings. So why don't I just do what I need to do?  I have no clue!!!  I guess I'm just still in the blahs that I was talking about a few days back.  

I haven't weighed in several days.  I am literally terrified to weigh.  It is 10:20 on Saturday evening.  My PLAN is to be back to tracking starting tomorrow.  Now, if that plan is still in my brain at 8:00 tomorrow morning, I will be doing good.  Ugh.

So I will report back tomorrow night.  I did get a bit of a boost tonight mentally.  I have to admit my sins to tell you about it though, okay?

I wanted Chinese.  I was out all alone, grocery shopping.  After all the eating out we've been doing (which is totally MY fault.  poor hubby.  i have been too much into the blahs to cook much of anything.  i get a craving and think i *have* to have it fulfilled. that's another subject and I feel so ashamed, ugh).... Like I was saying, after all the eating out we've been doing I didn't have more money to go into a Chinese buffet and order myself a meal and drink without feeling completely guilt ridden.  There were only a couple items that I actually really even wanted.  So I went in to a place that we used to frequent a bunch.  These sweet little Chinese people even bought our son an outfit when he was born.  LOL  Yeah, we were there waaaayyyy too much.  Now were are there about 4 times a year, if that.

Anyways.... I walked in and the lady says "Ohhhhh, you losing weight?"  Wow!  Someone noticed!!!  I very rarely get a compliment.  I think I have figured out why.  It has taken me over a year to lose 25 lbs.  Even though I have dropping clothing sizes, it has all happened so gradually that it's not a huge difference to people who see me a lot.  They just can't really tell because it's happened so slowly.  This lady hasn't seen me in a good while, so she noticed.

I told her I had lost about 25 pounds, but it's been slow and taken me more than a year.  She replied, "Yes, I could tell you've lost a LOT of weight!"  Wow again.  A lot... me???  Yay!!  So then she wants to take my order.  Ummmm... steamed broccoli please!  ROFL

I ended up doing Chinese by the pound.  It is 4.50 a pound.  I was surprised to find that I only put 3/4 of a pound of food in my container.  I got out for 4.12 tax and all.  Woohoo!!!

So my immediate boost was the compliment.  The Lord knew I really needed that compliment!  My second boost was the fact that I knew I didn't want to order the buffet because there were only a few items I really wanted.  I didn't just mindlessly eat everything "just because."  My third boost was the fact that I put such reasonable portions in my to-go container that I didn't even have to pay for a full pound of food!  I got everything I wanted, all that I wanted of it, got full, and didn't even have a pound of food in there.  Woohoo!!

Now... I am so upset about going to WW on Tuesday.  I had gained 2.0 lbs last week.  I bet I can easily add back another 2.0 to that this Tuesday.  Not kidding.  I've done super duper awful, horrible, terrible.  Ugh.  To gain one week is one thing.  But to gain two weeks in a row!  Omgosh.  I just want to skip it!!!  But I know I can't skip it.  I feel so upset about it all!

Because of my inconsistency, it takes me 6 weeks to lose 5.6 pounds and 2 weeks to probably have packed all of that BACK ON ME.  Can ANYBODY out there relate to this.... at all????  I feel so embarrassed and aggravated.

So there.  I decided to come here and spill my guts and pout out my heart.  It's really just good for me.  I promise you don't have to hug me or pat me on the back or try to lift my spirits.  My blog is here for therapy for myself, so this is my therapy session.  :)  

Goodnight everyone!

A Day at the Zoo

Today was a great day to be at the zoo! I was worried the weather wasn't going to cooperate, but it did. My 8-year-old daughter kept commenting on how God must've really wanted us to get to enjoy the zoo since He held off the rain until not long after we left.  :)  So sweet.

I walked at least 2 miles today while at the zoo.  That counts!  I just hate even admitting it, but after being back on track yesterday I blew it again today.  I am so over blowing it.  I am seriously at the point where I think why bother, just quit!  But I know I can't tell myself I quit or I'll be back to my starting weight in no time.  I am just so sick of the ups and down with being super motivated to being not motivated at all.  Does it EVER level off???  Will it ever be just a 99.9% of the time thing to live healthy and make the best choices I can?  I tracked all day, even at the zoo, until we went out for supper tonight.  But in the words of my husband, "Staci, when you go off the deep end, you *really* go off the deep end, don't you?"  Ugh.

So I won't post any food pictures tonight.  I do have a couple to share, though, that I thought were cute from the day.

Elephants!

 

Mr. Cool Daddy-O with the free ride! 

 Dinosaur Exhibit.  

 

 

 

Digging for fossils!

Flamingos!

On the way home, we stopped at a Best Buy because I had a $10 rewards certificate to redeem.  I went in thinking I would buy a Curious George or something for the kids.  I never saw any Curious George, but I did find Leslie!  I picked up this video for myself with the certificate. 

Because I can't really do anything but walk or swim with my knees (and getting to go swimming is super rare with having little kids), I really like to constantly change up my videos.  So it really helps me to have several videos to choose from.  I like the Kendell Hogan things I've found on YouTube, but for my physical limitations nothing beats Leslie!  Love her!

Speaking of walking, I have the ugliest feet since walking that 5k!  The three huge blisters are STILL healing.  When I went walking 4 miles the other evening, I got three NEW blisters.  Now every time I put on my tennis shoes I can feel the rubbing.  I have had these shoes for years and they've never bothered me before.  Don't fear - even though they are years old they are in brand new condition because they were rarely ever used!  LOL  But now I think I'm at the point where I def need to get new shoes!  Okay, just had to gripe a little about my feet woes.

Daily Reflections:  Fun day, but a bad food day.  I'm very bummed about my constant inconsistency.  I seriously think I am weight loss bipolar.  Ugh.  LOL  I'm NOT happy where I'm at right now.  I'm way happier than I was, but I'm NOT satisfied.  There are still plenty of times where I can tell my belly is still bulging or my legs still look gross.  So I don't think it's a mental block keeping me from moving forward.  I seriously just think it's food.  I love food.  I love the taste of food, the smell of food, the look of food.  I love Italian, Mexican, American, Chinese. I just love it all.  Apparently, I love it more than health, which is sad, but I'm just being honest!  Isn't it obvious?!  

Okay, enough of the downer.  Tomorrow is Friday, so I know a lot of you workin peeps are looking so forward to tomorrow being the last of your work week!  Woohoo!

Forced Participation

I got up this morning still feeling pretty blah.  I decided the blahs could last a long time if I let them.  So I decided to force myself into tracking and exercising.  Whatever ya gotta do, I guess!  I still was lacking a lot of motivation, so my choices weren't spot-on healthy today.  But I made it through the day and ended not much over my daily target.  I got exercise in, too.

This morning was the toughest part of my day.  It is so easy to get side tracked in the mornings.  I am a neat freak (as much as one can be with 4 kids and a messy husband).  When I wake up to a dirty kitchen (leftover dishes, unswept floor, etc), my day just starts out on the WRONG foot.  It was hard for me to make a good decision this morning because I felt like every dish I own was dirty.  Thankfully I don't keep PopTarts or a lot of other junk breakfasts in the house.  The kids were hungry, and I needed something pretty quick.  

I grabbed out a can of flaky biscuits and some turkey sausage patties.  I allowed myself one biscuit (3), one turkey sausage patty (1), and 1/2 TBSP Polaner grape jelly (0).  I drank water (0) and also had some blackberries (0).  Then I scrambled an egg (2).  I felt like I was just grasping at straws during breakfast, but I ended up pretty okay.

Breakfast 6 points+.

 

 
It was hard making myself only have one biscuit, but I managed it!

A couple hours after breakfast, I forced myself to put on tennis shoes.  I had found a new Kendell Hogan video on YouTube last week that I never did try.  It was only 20 minutes long.  It had some fancy footwork, but it was WAYYYYY easier than the other one I've been trying.  Because of my knees, I couldn't put as much pep into my steps as he did, so this was only a low level workout for me.  Plus, I couldn't get some of the steps just honestly!  LOL  So as soon as this was finished, I just kept walking in place while I popped in a Leslie Sansone DVD.  So I finished the Hogan workout and then went straight into a 1-mile Leslie walk.  I ended up getting in 40 minutes of exercise at a moderate intensity.

4 APs earned.

Check out my stretch partner.  He is sooo cute!  :)

The husband couldn't come home for lunch today.  Then he made the mistake of telling me *he* ate lunch out.  Well, this is really stupid and very petty, but sometimes that makes my brain go "No fair!  If you got to eat out, I do, too!"  We have ate out so much in the past two weeks!!!  It's been unreal!  I'm sure that's part of why I feel so blah.  Eating out isn't the best for your health when it is done too regularly!  Anyway, the day got crazy and I had kids playing in sprinklers, so I just told them all to hop in the van.  I drove to Taco Bell and wen through the drive-thru and we ate in the van.  I had the chicken burrito (11) and a Diet Pepsi (0), but I didn't allow myself the Doritos that came with it.

Lunch was 11 points+.

So lunch didn't go how I had hoped, but I am happy that I didn't eat the Doritos and also happy that I didn't order a cheesy roll-up along with the burrito like usual.  I hate the fact that I had no veggies or fruits with my lunch.  That wasn't a good choice.

The kids all had a blast in the sprinklers.

 

Before I knew it, it was time for us all to get showers and get ready for church tonight.  For supper, I had 1 cup of chili (5) with 14 grams 2% shredded cheddar (1), a dollop of FF sour cream (0), and 6 LF saltine crackers (2).  I also had one slice of Healthy Life bread (1) and 16 grams of peanut butter (3).  I drank water (0).  Oh, and I had a banana (0).

Supper was 12 points+.

 

On the way to church, I ate an apple (0).

When we got home tonight, I started right in on washing dishes so the kitchen would be clean tomorrow morning!!!  Afterwards, I had no clue what I wanted.  I knew I needed more fruits or veggies.  I decided on some carrot chips (0) and salsa (0).  Then I still wanted something else, so I had a bag of Extend Drizzles (3) and water (0).

Evening snack 3 points+.

 

Daily Reflections:  Well, I finally feel GOOD at the end of the night instead of bad, frumpy, grumpy, aggravated, etc.  Being on track with my eating and exercise makes me feel so awesome.  Why, oh why, is it so easy to just ditch it all for junk and no movement??  Makes no sense.  Oh!  My MIL posted some videos  on her Facebook page of me, hubby, and the kids singing at a local assisted living facility.  She posted like 6 videos or so.  Then my mom took them and posted them on HER fb page.  I don't have fb, but MIL gave me her password so I could log in and see them.  Anyway, I was so happy with the fact that I was able to watch all of the videos and not be repulsed by myself!!!  That is a major NSV!  :)  My mom even complimented me today, saying that I looked good in the videos. So I kinda went with that thought all day.   I enjoy feeling good about myself.  I enjoy getting compliments.  So why would I throw that all out the window for a moment of pizza and cookies, yanno?  

Have a good Thursday!  We are supposed to go to the zoo tomorrow since the husband is off work.  It's supposed to storm a lot, though, so I'm not sure how the day will go.

WI and Blah

I just despise feeling blah!!!  Don't you?  And I have no clue why the blahs hit, when they will hit, or how long they will stay.  BLAH!  lol

I went on to my meeting tonight and even weighed in.  My scale was up 2 lbs here at home this morning, and strangely I was up exactly 2.0 lbs at WW tonight.  I'm not fretting it because I know it will fall back off easily.  I drank one 20-oz serving of water all day until 7 pm.  I think I drank one serving all day yesterday.  Just stupid stuff like that.  I haven't felt like exercising or weighing and measuring foods or counting points.  Nothing happened to trigger it.  I just have a bad case of the blahs!

While I say I'm "not fretting it," I still do want to say it aggravates me.  I hate how I can just be on cloud nine and then hit the basement all within a 24-hour time frame.  I am sick of losing only every other week.  Why can't I keep motivated for 2 full weeks in a row???  Just crazy!  But I'll taking losing every other week over never losing at all, I reckon!

Another thing is, I feel overly tired the past few days.  My husband was even just making fun of me because I was the laziest thing ever today and yet I'm yawning and can barely hold my eyes open.  It just doesn't make any sense.  Just more to be blah about, I guess!  LOL

Sorry for a post that makes no sense.  I just wanted to report to you and keep the lines of communication open.  I'm glad I weighed in tonight.  It really wasn't as bad as I feared.  I do agree that most of the time it's good to face the #'s and move forward.  :)

Well Just Forget It

Goooood GRIEF!  I did great yesterday until about 4:30.  I was up 2 lbs this morning from Tues and was determined to get right back on track.  The day got SUPER busy really fast!  But I still managed to do fine.... until about 4:30.  ?????  Can't even blame it on PMS!  :-/ 

I also felt super sluggish and tired and didn't get in a walk.  Then my husband left at about 5:30 to go preach at a jail, so I was all alone with the kids from then until after 9 pm.  It's very hard to exercise when I'm alone with the kids because they all bust in and out of the room disturbing me and I get all frustrated.  Plus, in all honesty, I was just soooo tired.

So this was really a crummy past couple days.  I really dread waking up in the a.m. and stepping on the scale!!!  At first I considered not going to my meeting tomorrow, but tomorrow is when I will definitely NEED my meeting!

This roller coaster is about to make me puke!  LOL

Hope you had a wonderful Memorial Day.  THANK YOU to all our service men and women out there, past and present.  I sincerely appreciate you and your sacrifices!

Honesty Report

Evening everyone!  Don't let the blog title scare you.  I'm still tracking and on program!  I had some food crazies this evening, tho, that weren't healthy.  So that's where the title came from.  At times like these, it's really easy to want to be secretive about my eating!!!  I'm going to post it anyway.

I am going to sound like a super lazy bum for even tell you this, but I didn't get out of bed until 11:30 this morning!!!  Crazy, I know!  I felt like a teenager again.  LOL  I've been going to bed too late for several days now.  And when I do go to bed, I lay there thinking of millions of things instead of sleeping.  So I guess it finally caught up with me.  I have no clue what time my husband or kids got up.  All I know is I woke up totally shocked to see the clock.  My son ran in saying "Mommy waked up!"  All the girls piled up on the bed with me and started chatting about how Daddy fed them but wouldn't give them a refill of cereal and various other complaints that poor dads get when they try to help.  LOL  My husband had fed the kids, cleaned the kitchen, and washed all the dishes.  Wohoo!  I almost went back to bed to see what all would be accomplished if I stayed there all day.  ;)

Since I woke up so late, I ended up not eating until 12:30.  There wasn't much to choose from, but breakfast didn't sound good at this time of day!  I made one Chung's egg roll with sauce (4), sliced an apple (0), and drank a Diet Pepsi (0).

My first meal was 4 points+.

A while later, my daughter asked for some almonds.  That sounded good and I needed protein, so I had 14 grams of honey roasted almonds (2).

Snack was 2 points+.

 

I felt sorta blah today.  I was supposed to cook but didn't want to.  At the same time, absolutely nothing sounded good to me as far as restaurants.  Weird!  I ended up just going ahead and cooking, which was the best thing to do anyway.  It was a luxuriously healthy Hamburger Helper lasagna meal.  LOL  I used 2 boxes of the meal but only 1 lb of meat instead of 2.  I made it with lean turkey meat.  I had one cup of the lasagna (7) with one WhiteWheat roll (2) split open and made into garlic toast.  I made a salad of lettuce mix (0), carrot chips (0), tomato (0), onion (0), cucumber (0), 14 grams of 2% shredded cheddar (1), 15 grams of RF ranch (1), and some of my new favorite thing - jalapeno slices (0).  I don't know what is up with that, but I am loving jalapenos!  Oh, I also had an ear of corn (2) and drank water (0).

Supper was 13 points+.

 

 

We ate supper at 4:30, which is early for us.

A while after supper, I had to go to Kroger to grocery shop.  I realized that I still had 13 daily points left!!!  Actually, I found out while blogging I really only had 11 left at that point.  Bummer.  I had forgotten to write down my almonds!  :(  But anyway, I *thought* I had 13 points left.  I was excited.  I was going out alone to shop and could actually splurge on food without dipping into weeklies because I had slept through breakfast.  ROFL

But then I was back to being torn as to what I wanted!!!  I am crazy, if you all hadn't noticed by now, so I decided to fulfill all of my lusts!


First, I had a Taco Bell cheese rollup (5).  Next, I drove to Dunkin Donuts and had a jelly filed donut (7).  I had planned to be done.  Then somebody was a jerk and wouldn't let me over so I could go home the shortest route.  So I had to go a different route that took me right past my final craving - Krystal!  So I had one cheese Krystal burger (5).  I drank water (0) with all of it (as if that makes it better).
Total in splurges was 17 points+.

 

 

I ate half of the Krystal before the pic because it was another moment where I was going to report the Taco Bell and Dunkin Donut but not the Krystal. Sorry!

So none of that was good, nourishing food, I know.  And I ended up going over by 4 points (which actually ended up being 6 points after I remembered the almonds).  But I only got one of each item that I wanted.  I spent less than $4 on my foods.  I didn't get that stuffed feeling.  So all in all, I don't feel guilty.  That is NOT something I normally do.  Weird to post it, but it's the truth!

In retrospect, though, I shouldn't have thought in terms of points to be eaten.  I should've thought "Are you hungry? Is this a physical need?"  I guess I'm just not there yet.  Realizing it now, though, at least lets me know that I am mentally trying to head in the right direction.

After getting back home, I put away the groceries and helped get the kids in bed.  At 10:30 pm, I realized I hadn't walked yet today!  Oh no!  I didn't walk at all yesterday, so I didn't want to skip it completely again today.  I laced up my shoes and did a 1-mile, 15-minute WATP.

1 AP earned.

I only did mile 1 and the cool down.

So here is how my challenge is looking:

Miles Walked

Mon	Tues	Wed	Thur	Fri	Sat
2	1	3	1	2	3.1
1	2	3	1	2	1
0	0	0	2	2	0
2	2	1	4	0	1

On week 2 I hurt my knee on Thursday.  It was really hurting up until midway through week 3, so I had to take a break (just to refresh your memory).  Overall, not bad for me!

After that, I had some blackberries (0), a banana (0), and water (0).

Evening snack 0 points+.

 

Daily Reflections:  Well, I went over my daily points by 6.  It's obviously all the fault of the rudie that wouldn't let me over to go home the shortest route!  Ehhhh.... okay, it's my fault.  What's important to me right now is I'm actually continuing to track, even through these bad choices.  Normally I would just say forget it and "restart" after WI on Tuesday.  I still actually have 13 weekly points and 1 AP left that I've not used yet.  Oh, and I left the house tonight before letting the husband get out the last of the cupcakes and ice cream.  Even though I spent 17 points on foods I didn't need tonight, those foods don't trigger binges for me like icing and ice cream do.  I'm glad that I was out of the house and away from those certain sweets.  Hubby had orders to throw away any that was left at this point, and he complied.  Love him.

So I had a crazy day, but I lived to tell about it!