Before I go into what this post is really about, I have gained back 2 pounds of my three lost courtesy of the stomach virus. Boo! Today, however, I realized that I now weigh 13 pounds less than I did at the start of 2015. With the stomach virus and all the craziness, I never did begin counting WW points this week. Same old story, though. I want to (so I can lose weight), but I don't want to (because I don't want to weigh and measure food and obsess). I'm doing little things right, though (not even why I named this post that!) because it's sloooowwwwwllllyyyy showing up on the scales. And I think living in the new place is going to actually benefit us. We are a good ways away from any kind of food other than home cooked! I mean, there's McDs, but is that even food? :) We rarely ever want that, so it's not a threat. And now I'm rambling! Point was, we aren't in a central location anymore that is 5-10 minutes away from 20 different restaurants. Therefore, it's just not as "worth it" to eat out. So I think living here is going to help with finances, weight, and eating out.
Now for the reason I sat down to blog....
With all this moving, there are still things to sort through. I have had this box since before we had our firstborn that I have put EVERY card we have given to each other - kids to kids, parents to kids, vice versa, grandparents to kids, and us to each other as husband and wife. I have kept all homemade and store bought cards. I don't keep them from other people, even though I do enjoy cards from others, but I'm not a pack rat so I have to be choosy! Photo cards I do keep :) Anyway, not only did the box have cards but also pictures from before having kids and keeping albums.
I decided tonight that my older two could go through the box and separate pictures from cards. They did this as I was making supper, and I heard such laughing and exclamations! You could tell they were really enjoying themselves. When they were done, I told them to put only the pictures back into the box (which is actually a small tote with lid) but leave the cards out. I plan to buy a special little tote to store them in (and add to) over the years.
The kids all went to bed, and my living room had the biggest pile of cards, as you can imagine. Hubby went to bed. I was still organizing things. I decided I would sit down and go through the cards. They needed to at least be stacked neatly to calm my OCD. lol
I began going through those cards. I just couldn't believe it. There were cards I picked up that I then remembered helping my two first girls make for their daddy for his birthday or Father's Day. I found the card that hubby made me when we were pregnant with our firstborn. I found card after card to me from my family throughout the years.
I FELT SO AWFUL!!!
It really is the little things in life that matter. My family wrote words of praise to me in those cards that cut through me like a knife. At one point in motherhood, I probably did "deserve" those words - or at least live up to them. But over the years, with the busy-ness of homeschooling, diapering, cleaning, traveling, doing laundry and a million other things - I lost my joy. I lost my desire for the kids that I have.
Oh I definitely love them with all my heart! I'm just being honest. And sometimes being completely honest about my feelings gets me in trouble. But most of the time, I find that other people begin to open up because they were having the same feelings but were too ashamed to say what I was saying.
What I mean is this. Somewhere along the way, having clean floors became more important than stopping what I'm doing to sit and have a moment of silliness with my kids. This is just useless to begin with because I have four children. My floors are never clean! I mean, yes, clean clean. But there really isn't a time when there isn't some sort of toy or dirty sock left in each room of the house. My kids are all having a blast with their huge imaginations, and I'm walking all over the house picking out little things for them to get up and do because "the least you can do is keep your toys picked up!"
Yes, my children need to help. I'm all about kids learning how to do things. My older two can cook a meal, know how to do laundry, and can take good care of their younger siblings when I'm sick. At the same time, though, why do I expect that my house shouldn't have toys scattered about when I'm a mother to four children ages 6 to 12????? At what point did I lose the joy of sitting down and helping my kids make a craft to surprise their dad with?????
So I am going to bed tonight feeling challenged. I want to be "that mom" again. I want to be the mom in the cards that they praised and trusted and loved so much! I don't want them to grow up and only think of me as their mom who was sometimes fun but mostly just walked around the house nagging and griping about messes. :( I also want to be the wife in the cards I got from my husband. Poor guy. Sometimes even *I* notice how grouchy I'm being! Why does it have to be that way?! IT DOESN'T. It will take tons and tons of effort on my part to change my reactions to things and expectations and habits I've formed, but our home can be happier one - a home with toys scattered about but love for one another abounding!
I'm so glad I sat down with that pile of cards tonight. :)